I keep expecting someone to reveal that it’s all a big joke.
It hit me again while I was distributing Communion today – I thought everyone was just playing a game with me. “Sure, Pastor sure takes this seriously, but we know better. We’re just humoring him.” It’s almost like I expected to be in some version of The Truman Show (which, incidentally, I’ve still never seen). I expected this entire congregation to be an elaborate hoax, that people are just playing along.
How else could you explain a group of people listening to me pointing to the grace of God for so long? I know it’s not me, unless it’s a joke. Why would anyone pay attention to me? Half the time I wonder if the sounds coming out of my mouth are actually words or just half-formed mumbles that my brain thinks are communication.
It doesn’t matter that my church council, again and again, have revealed themselves to be mature Christian men. It doesn’t matter how often they will speak about Jesus as if he’s actually real – as if it’s not about the congregation, but about sharing Jesus with others! It doesn’t matter how often I am encouraged by those around me, speaking of my sermons to me, showing how God used the sermons to bless them. My thick head just won’t accept it: (more…)