An Easter for Introverts

For the first time in about two decades, we celebrated Easter with a dawn service. Just over a dozen people gathered together for a quiet, close-knit service. It involved discussion and singing and laughter. It warmed this introvert’s heart to be able to be with my family here. I knew everyone there, and not in some superficial way.

Home. It was like celebrating at home with people you’d welcome into your living space. It was warm and deep. This is where I belong.

Then we had our festival worship. Lots of loud music. Lots of visitors. Lots of joy. It was good to shout together, to praise together, to present the light of the Resurrection. To see old friends and new faces, to see a full church, it cheered me.

If you’re going to be loud and bombastic, Easter is a time to do it. To let the room ring for the surprise joy of a dead friend greeting mourning women by saying, “Hi,” to give voice to the New Creation by shouting hymns of praise, yes, this is good.

And then came a potluck! While the adults set up the food, the children gathered outside for an Easter egg hunt. And what a feast! The worship may have been good for the heart, but the food certainly wasn’t. Heart attack central! But it tasted so wonderful.

And about halfway through the time of the meal, I couldn’t be there anymore. I stepped away. I slipped into my office. Heart thumping, breath short—depression was hitting me. I’d been with people too much. Outside, I heard laughter. I heard people talking to one another. I heard them rejoicing together, the family of God.

Without me.

And you may see those two little words and hold the opinion that I am so, so sad. That my congregation should rush to my side and encourage me. That I am so, so alone.

But I’m not. As I heard them continue the meal without me, all I could think is: They don’t need me.

They don’t need me!

And how freeing that is. I can serve, but if I’m not here? God will raise up another. He will shepherd his flock. If I fall apart, my congregation will continue without me. When I am not enough, my God is enough to hold these people in the palm of his hand. I can’t hold them at all, after all. All I can do is point them to my Shepherd.

As I write this, it’s Tuesday after Easter. The depression has settled in, as I expected it would. This is normal after the craziness of Holy Week. But Sunday… Sunday was glorious. To see God’s people, to be with them, to step away… all of it was so, so good.

And I hope next Easter is just like it, stepping away and all.

Against Me

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25)

I considered that verse as the guest preacher spoke on it last night at my congregation. Do I hold anything against anyone? What does this verse speak to me?

The preacher talked about some typical culprits: The people you live with, your boss, bullies… but at least in this season of life, I don’t think I’ve got anyone that I’m holding a grudge against. My kids aggravate me, but I’m pretty chill with them. I don’t have any bullies I need to interact with. No, I don’t have anything against anyone.

But then my thoughts turned…

You know who I’ve got the most against right now?

Me.

Yesterday was a depression day. I wasn’t really down. I was not all doom and gloom. I was just in a cloud. I had an entire day to get things done. And you know how much I got done?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

And I was so angry at me. So frustrated. Look, yes, I was having a depressive episode, but it wasn’t a bad one. I was just tired. That’s it. I should be fine!

And today? I’m still slow. I’m getting a few things done, but… it’s slow. I’m not accomplishing what I should be accomplishing.

And the thing is… what Jesus says here? If you hold anything against anyone, forgive him? That applies to me, too. Not just me against other people… but me against me.

When I get nothing done because of depression, frustration is understandable. But I’m not sinning. I’m holding me against me… and what good does that do?

Father, forgive me my weakness. Forgive me for being so angry at me. Let me stand in your grace. Let me accept those weaknesses as opportunities for you to show your grace. When I am able to work, let me work. And when it is time to rest, let me rest in you.

And let me learn to not hold my depression against me. It is an opportunity to stand in your grace.

So let me stand on your promises, and let me fall in your grace.

Amen.

Chips for Church

Yesterday I ate some chips. During the sermon. That I was giving.

It was a fairly simple illustration: You can’t eat just one chip. Sit down at a Mexican restaurant. Get that basket of chips. You’re gonna chow down. But every chip has a consequence. Google says a single chip is, on average, 14 calories.

Sin is like that. You can’t stop at just one. And every sin has a consequence. Just one sin has a consequence! If you keep the whole Law, every commandment of God, but break it at one point, you’re guilty of breaking all of it. And let’s be honest: We don’t stop at one sin.

And as I talked about it, I brought a basket of chips out. I started chomping on them throughout the sermon. And people got it. The illustration stuck. They talked about it after church.

(By the way, the point of the sermon was that our hope isn’t that we fight temptation, but that Jesus did. He defeated temptation, and he gives us his record!)

A good illustration can go a long way. A few weeks ago someone asked me about living as foreigners in this world. What does that mean?

And I explained it was like Harry Potter. Harry lived with the Dursleys. They were jerks and preoccupied with being normal. Now, Harry still lived with them, but he was nothing like them. He lived among them as a foreigner.

We should be like that. We live in this world, but we belong to a different family. We belong to God’s family.

And maybe you noticed… but I’m a bit of a geek. What’s fun is that the person I was talking to is also a geek. She got it!

So yeah. Just some fun illustrations. Do you have any illustrations that have stuck with you that explain a spiritual concept?

Home

I looked out over my congregation. It was right before worship, when I greet those gathered to worship and make opening announcements.

There sat a family that has reached out to me more than once, asking how I was doing. The mom told me that me being open with my depression has allowed their daughter to ask for help. If pastor can have problems, she can have them, too. It’s okay.

Here sat a family that has kids my kids play with. One of the kids loves Marvel movies and talks my ear off about them.

There’s a gentleman who has this kind of wisdom I’ve found most common in farmers. He’s always willing to listen and give good advice, but he never thinks much of himself.

Here’s a woman I hug every time she’s in worship. She’s a light.

And these… these are my people.

And I tell them. “It’s so amazing to me. Thank you. You’re my family. This is home.”

Home.

The local congregation is meant to be that way. A place for people to love and encourage one another as they grow in Christ. And here, here it is.

I don’t always feel this way. Often enough I’d rather just stay home and be my introvert self. It’s not because I dislike people; it’s because I recharge by being alone.

But today, for this little bit… yes. I can see the blessing of the congregation. I can see the body of Christ.

I hope you have a home like that. I hope you can worship with people you know, who know you, and you can grow together. Not in some superficial, “I kinda know you,” but in a deep way. A way that helps you grow in grace, in forgiving and being forgiven, in receiving and giving encouragement.

I’m so glad I’m here.

This is home.

When is it too much?

I told them tonight. “I walked out of the house. By the time I got to the van, I was trembling.”

It’s not been a good week.

Depression finally struck. I had expected as much after Leadership Conference last week. I’d tried to take care of myself while there, of course, but it was still a lot of peopling. I’ve really struggled to do much of anything.

Today I forced myself to memorize the sermon for Sunday. Years ago I interviewed pastors on how their depression affected them. One told me that it was so, so hard to memorize sermons. I was thankful that I wasn’t affected that way.

Well, maybe I am now.

I sat down to do some writing. I did in fact write some, but afterward I was useless.

All in all, I’ve been useless all week, really.

And tonight at worship… I told those who gathered I was struggling.

What I Learned at the Lutheran Leadership Conference

A bulleted list of things that I learned or relearned at the Lutheran Leadership Conference:

• I didn’t bring a notebook. That was dumb. I ended up writing notes in the conference program which had several pages for notes in the back, but the pages were very slick. Ink smudges really easily. Let’s see if I’m able to actually read my notes…
• 93.8% of my church body is white. Jesus tells us to go and make disciples of all nations. That doesn’t seem to match up now, do it?
• A story told by a white pastor: An African American member approached him. “I’ve been a member of the church all my life. I know the church’s position on abortion. I agree with it. I know the church’s position on fellowship. I agree with it. But what’s the church’s position on me?” A question to consider: Does my congregation talk about race at all? Do I condemn racism as the sin it is?
• If our leaders don’t talk about culture, who will? What do we role model? Do we show that racism is a sin?
• 47% of Christians think their church is welcoming to visitors. That’s less than half of Christians think their own congregations aren’t welcoming. That’s… that’s not a good look.
• “How the pastor presents himself is what a visitor will think about the church.”
• I love this direct quote: “The disciples didn’t have the internet… use it wisely.”
• Is your church culture something you fight against or something you play with?
• Thoughts become behaviors become results. What are the thoughts within your church? Culture is shared thought habits that frame the way people behave and work together.
• Awesome organizational cultures are the products of intentional and deliberate actions that built that culture. Is the way your servant leaders lead intentional or accidental?
• Connection to God and connection to others can address and even prevent depression. This is huge. Applying God’s gospel to myself, applying grace to myself, helps immensely with my depression. Being able to be vulnerable to friends also greatly lifts the burden of depression. Yes yes yes.
• When someone says they’re fine… Behind the “fine” is their struggle.
• Ministry is isolating. There’s a reason so many pastors struggle with mental disorders… we may have a good connection with God, but rarely do we have connection with others. We fear being vulnerable, so we lose out on that horizontal connection.
• Half of chronic mental illnesses start by age 14.
• Depression is the #1 cause of disability worldwide.
• At one presentation, a pastor talked about how he struggled after his teenage son committed suicide. “I know my theology better than this, but I still asked why.” Intellectual assent isn’t the same thing as trust. And being able to talk out struggles, to be vulnerable, forms connections that allow encouragement and healing.
• “Be very patient with yourself in your grief.”
• Game changers for a broken heart:
  • Vulnerability without fear
  • A sabbath rest away
  • Apply the Gospel to yourself
  • Counseling that applies the Gospel
  • Get back into the Bible!
  • Set appropriate social boundaries
• Relationships move through three stages: Awareness, engagement, and commitment. Every relationship goes through those stages, whether friendly, romantic, or association with a large group of people (like a church membership). To take people through those stages, you need to build trust. How do you build trust? Listen. Be honest. Demonstrate care and concern. Communicate. Be consistent. And make appropriate actions at appropriate stages.
• Do you want your church to participate in compassion ministry? “Compassion” literally means “to suffer with.” If you are doing this kind of ministry well, you will suffer.
• There is no life hack for compassion ministry. It is hard. Breathe in the Gospel… and breathe out love.
• God uses physical means to reach us. He uses the Word and the Sacraments. Physical reality is so, so important.
• In a session on understanding LGBTQIA+ individuals, the leader asked, “Imagine that you join a church that you are convinced speaks the truth. Not only that, but they welcome you in with open arms. You’re convinced that they’re correct and loving. And then they tell you that you must dissolve your marriage. What level of sanctification would you need to have to do that? Now, apply that to gay and lesbian individuals who may join your congregation. You will need to be patient and help them grow in Christ before you expect any kind of outward changes!”
• Regarding trans individuals and using preferred pronouns, “Individual situations require individual responses in pronoun usage.” (My personal response is to call people what they prefer to be called. You can’t build relationships with people that you refuse to respect enough to call them what they want to be called.)
• Don’t forget: Sanctification comes after justification. Start with Christ and work out from there. Behavior is not where we start.
• “You are not your own. This is not a threat. It is the Gospel.”
• We tend to think certain people are not worth our time to share the Gospel with them… but those barriers we see are nothing to the Holy Spirit!
• 70% of current confessing high school Christians will not be Christians by the end of college.
• Some doubt is factual. Some facts seem to conflict with each other. Roughly 80% of doubt is emotional, though. It asks “Why, God?!” And most people with those kinds of doubts do not feel they can take their doubts to their Christian communities. Is it any wonder that people walk away from Christianity?
• What do young adults need? A home for their heads and hearts. They need a community to bring their own doubts to their friends. They need a safe place to be vulnerable.
• 25% of millenials say they have no close friends.
• Worship is about the means of grace. It’s not about forming friendship. Being in worship doesn’t form horizontal relationships we need. In other words, worship alone is not enough. One hour Sunday will not keep people in relationship to Jesus nor to each other.
• So if worship isn’t enough, what is? Small groups offer exactly what young adults need. They’re places to be vulnerable, ask questions, and grow in relationship to one another and Jesus.
• How can you comfort someone with God’s Word? Give them a direction, not perfection. Redirect thoughts and feelings back to the truth of God’s Words.
• If young people think there’s no home for them at church.. prove them wrong.
• If young people can’t see a vulnerable presentation of Christ, they won’t stay in church. Instead, let them see the heartache you face. They’re not alone, and neither are you!

And those are some bullet points! Yes, it’s a lot. Any group of those could be their own post, and might turn into more posts. But those are some of the big thoughts!

Necessary Vulnerability

“You free? I’d love to talk.”

My wife and I had just gotten back to our hotel room. We were both exhausted. We had supper with a good friend we’d not seen in about a year. When we got back to the hotel, we met up with some relatives to catch up with over dessert. We sat around for hours laughing as we met new friends. Now we were dragging ourselves toward the bed.

And the text came.

It was another dear, dear friend that we’d tried to connect with earlier during the conference, but hadn’t really had the opportunity to meet up. I went out. We talked for almost two additional hours.

Day three dawned, and I was so, so exhausted. But you know what?

Worth it.

I’m an introvert. I need time alone to recharge. Next week I will likely bury myself in office work as I attempt to recover.

We don’t talk about that.

So, if you’re trying to sell books at a convention, it’s good to invite people to your table. If someone’s looking from afar, welcome them in. “Do you like to read?” is one such invitation I’ve learned from a successful author. If they’re looking at your books already, they’ll typically say, “Yes!” Then, you ask them something that will connect people to what your book’s about. “Do you like talking cats?” If they say yes, you urge them to take a closer look at your book. (Well, assuming your book has a talking act, anyway.)

Well, today at the Lutheran Leadership Conference, I was set up with two books dealing with depression. This is a very different kind of conference, so I wasn’t expecting to be able to use the same methods. Different place, different way of doing things. However, I started out by trying to engage with people.

The books are about depression. I thought I’d begin by asking, “Do you like to read?” and then, “Do you know anyone who has depression?”

Now, I did not expect people to leap over with eager eyes to find out more. What I got instead… well, I probably should have expected it, but it still surprised me.

I asked, “Do you know anyone who has depression?”

“No!” followed by awkward fast-walking away.

And this wasn’t one person. It was a good chunk of people until I just gave up engaging in any way unless a person approached me first.

So Small

I didn’t go.

I’m at the Lutheran Leadership Conference. I’m here to learn and enjoy and connect. I attended it the last time it was held, and it was so, so good for me. I’ve been looking forward to this conference for quite a while. This time, my wife even got to come with! Bonus!

We went to the opening devotion. It… didn’t connect that well with me. Nothing wrong in it. Certainly nothing bad. It just didn’t connect. Whatever. Maybe it was me.

The first plenary session tackled some excellent things for my church body to wrestle with. How do we handle the things that divide us, particularly race? It gave me a lot to think about and to carry back to my congregation. I took copious notes.

And then the second session… well… I think I’d attended this session before somewhere? It felt very, very familiar. It was fine, and if I am in fact remembering correctly, I remember carrying a lot away the first time I attended. Not as much this time, simply because I was already familiar with the material.

And then, as that session drew to a close, I knew I needed to step away. I was already getting too peopled. I needed to be alone for a while, or I’d end up having a depressive episode. I needed to recharge.

So I fled to my hotel room. I didn’t attend the third session. I lay on the bed and putzed about online to try and chill out for a while.

The Week Between

The space between Christmas and New Year’s lays silent… usually. For a pastor, it’s often a time to unwind, withdraw, and recharge. It’s also the chance to see extended family if they live at a distance.

I value that week. After the crazy December season, I need the chance to recharge. This year… I didn’t really get it.

For the first time in years, all my cousins were getting together with all their kids. We spent a day traveling to the meetup location, a day with everyone, and then a day traveling to my wife’s family. Then a day with all of them. Then a day coming back home. And then the day after scrambling to prep for worship.

Oh, it was fantastic seeing everyone again. I enjoyed catching up.

But it was also exhausting. Essentially, I didn’t get any time to withdraw. There was no opportunity to recharge.

Worship went off without a hitch on Sunday. No problem. But then I braced. When I don’t have the chance to recharge, especially if I’ve spent a lot of time with people, that’s often a recipe for a depressive episode.

Monday came… no, I was fine. In fact, it was a great day getting a lot of work done.

Tuesday arrived. I cringed, waiting for everything to crash. But… no!

Wednesday crawled in. The kids went back to school. I could finally sigh and relax… and maybe be unable to slink out of bed? No! The day was great!

And here I am on Thursday, and still no depression. By all accounts, I should be unable to move. Today I happen to be rather tired, but not depressed-tired. What happened?

I don’t have an answer, other than the grace of God. I’ve not changed what I do. I’ve been unable to use my usual depression prevention tactics, but I’m still functional! It’s not me. Instead, I’ve been preserved.

And I’m thankful. So, so thankful. Instead of crashing, I’ve been able to be present with my family and stay current with ministry. I know that had I crashed, it would have been fine. God’s grace extends to my ministry and my family, too. But I’m glad that his grace took the form of preventing my crash this time!